thoughts of a pensive mind

I now view my long road as a search for truth in my own heart, in the world around me, and in the bigger questions of purpose and of existence. How does one define good and evil.
What's the point of living if you can't feel alive? For that is a world without mystery, and that is a world without faith. And that, I fear, for any reasoning, conscious being, would be the cruelest trick of all. Every day, with every breath I draw, I am closer to the end of my life. For we are born with a finite number of breaths, and each one I take edges the sunlight that is my life toward the inevitable dusk. People who want happy endings have to write their own. Now is the time to choose! Die and be free of pain or live and fight your sorrow! Now is the time to shape your stories! Your fate is in your hands!
Duty is heavier than a mountain, Death is lighter than a feather. Let the snow fall deep, the rain drive down, and the wind buffet my cloak. I care not for I've a road worth walking! I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
Nothing burns in your heart like the emptiness of losing something, someone, before you truly have learned of its value. Often now I lift my cup in a futile toast, an apology to ears that cannot hear. Life is too precious to take for granted, and it is definitely too precious to let it slide into the perils of unknown worlds.

A Step Toward Freedom

well its finally happed. I have finished my time at BYU, finished my degree. and now I can move on with my life. I intend to move north out of utah county to salt lake in the near future. while this will not be the end of my schooling, then renaming school will not be at BYU, so im so happy! and now...I have to change the name of my blog lol any suggestions anyone? haha :)

Well after my life has taken a decided turn for the unexpected, I am back again to where i was last, still at BYU, still working. but its getting better for the most part life isnt so bad. Lonely it may be but im learning to cope with that fairly well. I had decided to take a break from dating because trying to date and be a BYU student to put it briefly is quite frankly exhausting. I dont have the time or inclination to deal with work, school, and the constant drama it takes to date someone, as for my life as a gay byu student(clever usage of title of blog :)) a few things of note have started to happen, the first and most important is probably that I have told my mother about my religious feelings, she knows I dont belive in the church anymore and what a conflict it has become in my life; I almost came out to here on the same night but she was emotionally distraught (to put it mildly) so I decided one bombshell at a time, but I asked her not to tell my father due to the fact he is not going to respond nearly so well,
the next thing of note is that I have begun to tell people at my work im gay, and everyone I have told is amazingly receptive and supportive even the LDS ones, I may not like where I work or what I have to do for work. But the people I work with are amazing, and they make it all worth it :)

An ending and a return

well I dont mind saying that I have made a complete mess of the whole point of this blog. when I began to write in here, it was meant to be a catalog of my experience while in school, I need hardly point out that I have failed dismally. to those amazing people out there who read what I write on here I will only say "thank you, you have my sympathy"
since last I wrote quite a few events happed to me, I found and dated an amazing guy and we had a very caring relationship full of love for each other and not driven by the need for physical fulfillment, but by a need to be with the other and hold them close. unfortunately after nearly half a year, we decided, that even though we had a very deep love for each other, we weren't right for each other, and we went thought a very teary breakup consoling each other and driven by the sloe hope that the other could find the happiness in life we felt they deserved, but probably couldn't find with each other. I dont claim that he was without flaws, he wasn't. Nither am I for that matter. I wouldn't want someone who was perfect alone, I was searching for somone who would be perfect when we were together. I came very close, but alas, it wasnt to be.
so now I return here, back to where I began, better for having been gone, but feeling the loss none the less. now my search resumes to find the one who I can share my life with, while going though the BYU life that is shortly to come to an end.

since last I was here, I have since found employment, finished a large amount of school and am withing sight of the graduation light at the end of this dark semester. though my Provo education come to an end, I will continue forward with my blog, perhaps renamed, we shall see.

the thoughts I wanted to put down on this blog, are mainly about how truly painful it is to be someone you genuinely loved and still do, but knowing fully well that it isn't the right fit. its depressing, sad, and lonely. I find myself thinking "I wonder what he is doing now" all the time, which I know isn't good for me at this time to dwell on. I should think about the end of school and the future I have before me, but when gazing forward, its impossible not to remember how you got there, and remember the joys and the pains. maybe this separation is not to last, but I promise I will continue to write.

its lonely to be where I am now, I feel in a really dark place, and I often wonder, do I have the wherewithal to recover from this. how do you fix a heart shattered, that doesn't know if it wants to be restored

a place of rest

Recently my life has finally fallen into the pattern of starting a new semester. yes I know its been a long time since the semester has started, but once my pattern has been broken it takes a long time for me to fall back into a pattern.
I hate having to spend time in Provo, there may be stuff to do in Provo, but its not anything that you haven't been doing for every week of your life, especially if you were born and raised in Utah county. so I have been lucky enough to spend this weekend with some very good friends, yes I have probably been nerding it up a little bit, but if you dont have an opportunity to get away from BYU once in a while. despite the constant drama between the friend, I feel comfortable around the people who know what I am, and love and accept me anyway. if people could be more accepting. or if we could band closer togeather in Provo and look out for each other. I dont think byu would be so hard for gay students to go though.

Life Rehabilitation

Im sick of bemoaning how i have been so frequently, looking back on my blog I just feel so depressed. so needless to say its time for a change. This week I have been getting off my lazy ass and being more active, and just trying to have a happy attitude even if at many times its been forced. I have increased how much I go running and that helps my body produce endorphins, and endorphins make you happy, and happy people dont kill there husbands..." (who out there can name that movie?)
I know that I have been very woe is me, and reading the blogs of many of my gay BYU friends, I see that many of them are too. so I have resolved to make a change of how I react to life.
I may be single right now, but that will in time change to so I better make the best of it for right now. Im sick of all the BYU gay's who are just way to sexually frustrated and looking to get their rocks off. Im not that kind of guy, and Im damn proud of it. If by some miracle I find a guy who's not shallow as hell, and I find interesting and a decent person while im here, then who knows, and I might consider dating around here in Provo again. but thats not today. I know this doesnt apply to all of the BYU gay men I know. But it applys to most of them. anyone who tells themselves otherwise are just deluding themselves.

when paths cross

lately I have been thinking alot about how I have handled my life since comeing to realize myself as a gay man. I realize that though I am looking for my other half, I cannot fall for just anyone and hope we are compatible.
up until now, I have never thought of myself as a person, with a "Type" and have been able to accept anyone for who they are, even though at a late point it seems to be me who ends up getting hurt. I realize that the face that I like guys and not girls is huge; however having a penis is not reason enough to date.
Recently I seem to have been the one who was always conceding anything in a relationship, willing to put the other before myself. and letting them be who they are, no matter how bad it makes me feel. I guess I do need to think about happiness for myself, not just for the person I have been going out with.
while I have not been dating anyone or meeting new people, I have been thinking alot about this. so now I guess I will take the good things where I may, and hope that the special guy who I have been looking for will cross paths in the near future. but for now, I can find happiness in the friends I have, and not feel so hurt about the whole situation

it has been quite some time since my last blog entry. I could give many excuses for this such as finals. over watchful parents and many other such things but the fact is I have been forgetful and did not have my blog at the foremost of my mind. the experiences of this month however have been very informative to myself in the effort of accustoming myself to the idea of coming out to my parents and sibling. though several leading questions to the members of my family I had several in depth discussions on the topic, none of which im sure were comfortable to any of the party's involved due to the face that the topic of homosexuality or gay culture in itself is such a taboo topic more than just about any other when it comes to disillusions with over zealous Mormon family's.
first I was able to talk with my sister on a return trip from salt lake about one of her friends who she thinks is "not straight" after quite a long discussion I made the point that; even if he is gay, he is still the same person and nothing has changed, and if that she was really his friend then it shouldn't mater to her... she became quiet for quite a wile and then whispered I guess your right. but the way she said it grudgingly and didnt seem to believe what she was saying herself.
I also had a intense discussion with my father about it ( who I am convinced is going to be the biggest issue for me when I decide to come out/ if I decide to come out. he argued like the typical angry Mormon whos been indoctrinated from early in his life, and I argued for equal rights. my father knows Im not a republican but he still has issue with me not just taking whatever he says, and swallowing it down.
no matter how blunt I am I think that my family will just not choose to accept or think that its true till I come out and say it. but I will write more often now I can get some time to myself to write now.

learning to be lonely

this week like every week is hard to live a double life. when feeling like your life is only happy when you are honest about who you are, and having friends who like you for being that person; it feels like entering hell to have to go back to a life that you don't want.
thats how it is to feel trapped in BYU for me right now. I went to a party at a friends place over the weekend and met many people, talked , and just all in all enjoyed myself. I met many gay couples some of graduated from byu themselves years ago. they were happy and content and very much in love. from that point on. I thought back on the people I have dated since coming to terms with being gay.
I think I get attached to easily to people, one of the guys I went out with a few times was also at the party. I had really liked him alot but he was an enigma to most people and me included in that. after we had gone out about three times, I quit hearing from him. and I thought I was over him because that was around 9 months ago that we went out and seeing him again brought up so many memories ad feeling that I thought I had forgotten. I only felt lonely.
just because Im gay, alot of people think that makes me the stereo typical gay man. I would like to think that im not. because from the get go I have only been looking for someone who I could spend my life with. I still want the American dream, a home, and the one I love to come home to; just a guy instead of a girl, I dont think that is to much to ask. but most people I meet are not looking for that sort of thing, and I only end up hurting myself in the end. this week has been hard for me, and I know im not the only one out there like this. who wants something like this, I just feel alone and lonely, especially since finals are upon me.
I write alot when I blog, but thats jsut because I never know what to say or what to do about it. anyone out there is welcome to give me advice cuz god ( pardont the expression) know I have none for myself

hope

now on to what I hope for for this blog, I hope it to be an accurate explanation of my experiences I have had are having and will have here at BYU. These accounts are not meant to garner sympathy from anybody, my hope is that anyone who is in a similar situation will be able to read it and gain some insight good or bad. be able to ask questions or for what ever reason. so I encourage those at BYU or people who feel in a similar situation to feel free to write in and comment.

A Begining

Well, I suppose there must be a beginning to everything this is one of those thing that must start somewhere.
well then I will start by telling you about myself. my name is not really Xander, but because of the situation of being at byu, I feel its important that I not use my real name. I was born in the 5th month in the year 1985. for those of you who cant count that makes me 24; I was born to be the boy in a classic American family, mother and father, brother and sister. my parents we very faithful members of the church and taught us its teachings and doctrine since before either of us can remember. we did things right and wrong but we were a happy family as far as I was aware. just like everyone else in the Utah town that I grew up in.
I knew I wasn't exactly like everyone else from a young age, but I didn't really think a lot about it. I knew that I was never very fussed about women as a young boy, I just thought I was more mature than the other boys. I became good friends with many girls in the early school years, but i never thought there was anything wrong with that attitude, it wasnt till I started hitting puberty that I noticed other guys my age, the athletic ones, the ones I thought had nice eyes or a cute smile, that I began to think that there was something different about myself. going into the locker room was a struggle in itself to stop myself from watching all the guys around me getting dressed or walking around without anything on.
by the time I left high school I knew what was going on with me, but I thought that if I denied it of myself that then I could overcome it. I served a mission, and did so faithfully putting every effort into my prayers, and focusing all of my mind on the mission but things never seemed to get better for me... after coming home I knew that this was something no amount of prayer would change or any act of a divine god, who at this point in my life I was struggling with religion also.
from a young age I never liked going to church (not uncommon) but not for the classic reasons that others didn't like going. On the contrary I was desperate to understand the divine or at lease come to believe it with a conviction of my own. with me and the LDS faith though, that was never the case. I would do as the other did because it made my family happy. it was never for myself. I went on a mission not only desperate to become heterosexual, but also because it was unacceptable not to go where I grew up. by the time I came back (im not going into all the details of this for obvious reasons). I knew that things could not stay the way they were, but I kept going to keep the people around me happy and to please my family.
I graduate with my associates disagree in earth science from UVU and I transfer to BYU...why you ask? to keep my family happy and because it was expected of me. after going though a significant amount of time at BYU, during the summer I realized that I want happy. My life was not bad, but I knew that something was wrong and that I needed to decide somethings. 1. about religion, 2. about myself, 3. the question of a life time. am I gay and should I accept that as part of my life.
well your reading my blog so I bet you can guess as to what happened
over the course of 3 days that I kept to myself and just started thinking and evaluating my choices and what would happen if I decided what... I came to the conclusions that I hold true to be me.
the first is that I am a very religious person, I believe in god with all my heart. However. I don't believe in organized religion; I believe that they teach philosophy's that are good, and many practices that are safe. but they are still organizations looking to continue themselves. Nor do I believe it is for someone else to tell you what to believe about god.
next I believe that while its still important to be a good person, to hold to a way of life to keep people around you happy and content is treason to yourself so I live a way that I hold to be right. If I am to love people, or have people love me , it shall be for who I truly am.
finally I know I am gay and because I have come to terms with my religious beliefs I can allow myself to be gay. for one thing, I believe that god who or whatever that may be, is perfect and loving and could never make mistakes. that in mind I believe that I am exactly the way that god would want me to be, and doesn't expect me to suffer in this life though being untrue to who I am.
so here I am at BYU a gay man, who's no longer lds in his heart, but has to keep up pretenses to finish school, while trying to find love.
my life has many turns to take, but till that road takes me away from byu I am me just myself. happy about that for the first time in years. in the following days will come to my story, but this for now , is just who I am.