thoughts of a pensive mind

I now view my long road as a search for truth in my own heart, in the world around me, and in the bigger questions of purpose and of existence. How does one define good and evil.
What's the point of living if you can't feel alive? For that is a world without mystery, and that is a world without faith. And that, I fear, for any reasoning, conscious being, would be the cruelest trick of all. Every day, with every breath I draw, I am closer to the end of my life. For we are born with a finite number of breaths, and each one I take edges the sunlight that is my life toward the inevitable dusk. People who want happy endings have to write their own. Now is the time to choose! Die and be free of pain or live and fight your sorrow! Now is the time to shape your stories! Your fate is in your hands!
Duty is heavier than a mountain, Death is lighter than a feather. Let the snow fall deep, the rain drive down, and the wind buffet my cloak. I care not for I've a road worth walking! I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
Nothing burns in your heart like the emptiness of losing something, someone, before you truly have learned of its value. Often now I lift my cup in a futile toast, an apology to ears that cannot hear. Life is too precious to take for granted, and it is definitely too precious to let it slide into the perils of unknown worlds.

A Step Toward Freedom

well its finally happed. I have finished my time at BYU, finished my degree. and now I can move on with my life. I intend to move north out of utah county to salt lake in the near future. while this will not be the end of my schooling, then renaming school will not be at BYU, so im so happy! and now...I have to change the name of my blog lol any suggestions anyone? haha :)

Well after my life has taken a decided turn for the unexpected, I am back again to where i was last, still at BYU, still working. but its getting better for the most part life isnt so bad. Lonely it may be but im learning to cope with that fairly well. I had decided to take a break from dating because trying to date and be a BYU student to put it briefly is quite frankly exhausting. I dont have the time or inclination to deal with work, school, and the constant drama it takes to date someone, as for my life as a gay byu student(clever usage of title of blog :)) a few things of note have started to happen, the first and most important is probably that I have told my mother about my religious feelings, she knows I dont belive in the church anymore and what a conflict it has become in my life; I almost came out to here on the same night but she was emotionally distraught (to put it mildly) so I decided one bombshell at a time, but I asked her not to tell my father due to the fact he is not going to respond nearly so well,
the next thing of note is that I have begun to tell people at my work im gay, and everyone I have told is amazingly receptive and supportive even the LDS ones, I may not like where I work or what I have to do for work. But the people I work with are amazing, and they make it all worth it :)

An ending and a return

well I dont mind saying that I have made a complete mess of the whole point of this blog. when I began to write in here, it was meant to be a catalog of my experience while in school, I need hardly point out that I have failed dismally. to those amazing people out there who read what I write on here I will only say "thank you, you have my sympathy"
since last I wrote quite a few events happed to me, I found and dated an amazing guy and we had a very caring relationship full of love for each other and not driven by the need for physical fulfillment, but by a need to be with the other and hold them close. unfortunately after nearly half a year, we decided, that even though we had a very deep love for each other, we weren't right for each other, and we went thought a very teary breakup consoling each other and driven by the sloe hope that the other could find the happiness in life we felt they deserved, but probably couldn't find with each other. I dont claim that he was without flaws, he wasn't. Nither am I for that matter. I wouldn't want someone who was perfect alone, I was searching for somone who would be perfect when we were together. I came very close, but alas, it wasnt to be.
so now I return here, back to where I began, better for having been gone, but feeling the loss none the less. now my search resumes to find the one who I can share my life with, while going though the BYU life that is shortly to come to an end.

since last I was here, I have since found employment, finished a large amount of school and am withing sight of the graduation light at the end of this dark semester. though my Provo education come to an end, I will continue forward with my blog, perhaps renamed, we shall see.

the thoughts I wanted to put down on this blog, are mainly about how truly painful it is to be someone you genuinely loved and still do, but knowing fully well that it isn't the right fit. its depressing, sad, and lonely. I find myself thinking "I wonder what he is doing now" all the time, which I know isn't good for me at this time to dwell on. I should think about the end of school and the future I have before me, but when gazing forward, its impossible not to remember how you got there, and remember the joys and the pains. maybe this separation is not to last, but I promise I will continue to write.

its lonely to be where I am now, I feel in a really dark place, and I often wonder, do I have the wherewithal to recover from this. how do you fix a heart shattered, that doesn't know if it wants to be restored

a place of rest

Recently my life has finally fallen into the pattern of starting a new semester. yes I know its been a long time since the semester has started, but once my pattern has been broken it takes a long time for me to fall back into a pattern.
I hate having to spend time in Provo, there may be stuff to do in Provo, but its not anything that you haven't been doing for every week of your life, especially if you were born and raised in Utah county. so I have been lucky enough to spend this weekend with some very good friends, yes I have probably been nerding it up a little bit, but if you dont have an opportunity to get away from BYU once in a while. despite the constant drama between the friend, I feel comfortable around the people who know what I am, and love and accept me anyway. if people could be more accepting. or if we could band closer togeather in Provo and look out for each other. I dont think byu would be so hard for gay students to go though.

Life Rehabilitation

Im sick of bemoaning how i have been so frequently, looking back on my blog I just feel so depressed. so needless to say its time for a change. This week I have been getting off my lazy ass and being more active, and just trying to have a happy attitude even if at many times its been forced. I have increased how much I go running and that helps my body produce endorphins, and endorphins make you happy, and happy people dont kill there husbands..." (who out there can name that movie?)
I know that I have been very woe is me, and reading the blogs of many of my gay BYU friends, I see that many of them are too. so I have resolved to make a change of how I react to life.
I may be single right now, but that will in time change to so I better make the best of it for right now. Im sick of all the BYU gay's who are just way to sexually frustrated and looking to get their rocks off. Im not that kind of guy, and Im damn proud of it. If by some miracle I find a guy who's not shallow as hell, and I find interesting and a decent person while im here, then who knows, and I might consider dating around here in Provo again. but thats not today. I know this doesnt apply to all of the BYU gay men I know. But it applys to most of them. anyone who tells themselves otherwise are just deluding themselves.

when paths cross

lately I have been thinking alot about how I have handled my life since comeing to realize myself as a gay man. I realize that though I am looking for my other half, I cannot fall for just anyone and hope we are compatible.
up until now, I have never thought of myself as a person, with a "Type" and have been able to accept anyone for who they are, even though at a late point it seems to be me who ends up getting hurt. I realize that the face that I like guys and not girls is huge; however having a penis is not reason enough to date.
Recently I seem to have been the one who was always conceding anything in a relationship, willing to put the other before myself. and letting them be who they are, no matter how bad it makes me feel. I guess I do need to think about happiness for myself, not just for the person I have been going out with.
while I have not been dating anyone or meeting new people, I have been thinking alot about this. so now I guess I will take the good things where I may, and hope that the special guy who I have been looking for will cross paths in the near future. but for now, I can find happiness in the friends I have, and not feel so hurt about the whole situation