this week like every week is hard to live a double life. when feeling like your life is only happy when you are honest about who you are, and having friends who like you for being that person; it feels like entering hell to have to go back to a life that you don't want.
thats how it is to feel trapped in BYU for me right now. I went to a party at a friends place over the weekend and met many people, talked , and just all in all enjoyed myself. I met many gay couples some of graduated from byu themselves years ago. they were happy and content and very much in love. from that point on. I thought back on the people I have dated since coming to terms with being gay.
I think I get attached to easily to people, one of the guys I went out with a few times was also at the party. I had really liked him alot but he was an enigma to most people and me included in that. after we had gone out about three times, I quit hearing from him. and I thought I was over him because that was around 9 months ago that we went out and seeing him again brought up so many memories ad feeling that I thought I had forgotten. I only felt lonely.
just because Im gay, alot of people think that makes me the stereo typical gay man. I would like to think that im not. because from the get go I have only been looking for someone who I could spend my life with. I still want the American dream, a home, and the one I love to come home to; just a guy instead of a girl, I dont think that is to much to ask. but most people I meet are not looking for that sort of thing, and I only end up hurting myself in the end. this week has been hard for me, and I know im not the only one out there like this. who wants something like this, I just feel alone and lonely, especially since finals are upon me.
I write alot when I blog, but thats jsut because I never know what to say or what to do about it. anyone out there is welcome to give me advice cuz god ( pardont the expression) know I have none for myself
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One spiritual truth I have learned is this... "be the man you want to attract." There comes a time in your life where you have to choose to follow the crowd or follow your heart and what makes you happy. It takes time for the person God has in mind for you to manifest. Each decision you make will affect who comes your way. For example a man or woman who only believes love is abusive, or that all men or woman drink will not believe any other truth and find themselves living that truth and being with a partner or reflects it. You need to find out what you can and can't live with and not settle for the many who will come their way until the right one makes his way. God will inevitably give you someone someday if you ask and wait. The man who will come will be the man that reflects you and your beliefs most.
ReplyDeleteyou're definitely not alone in feeling this way. walking on campus seeing couples holding hands and whatnot, makes me feel very isolated. Anyways, we dont have to be alone. If you need someone to talk to you know who to call, or email, or whatever.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you have this blog. I'm excited to continue reading about your experiences. Its such an an isolating experience to be where we are. Its nice to know that there are others that share my experiences, and that we could go to eachother for help and support!
ReplyDeletewell Im always willing to talk, if anyone ever needs to. its not so hard to be alone when you have other friends to be alone with haha
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