Saturday, January 30, 2010

a place of rest

Recently my life has finally fallen into the pattern of starting a new semester. yes I know its been a long time since the semester has started, but once my pattern has been broken it takes a long time for me to fall back into a pattern.
I hate having to spend time in Provo, there may be stuff to do in Provo, but its not anything that you haven't been doing for every week of your life, especially if you were born and raised in Utah county. so I have been lucky enough to spend this weekend with some very good friends, yes I have probably been nerding it up a little bit, but if you dont have an opportunity to get away from BYU once in a while. despite the constant drama between the friend, I feel comfortable around the people who know what I am, and love and accept me anyway. if people could be more accepting. or if we could band closer togeather in Provo and look out for each other. I dont think byu would be so hard for gay students to go though.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Life Rehabilitation

Im sick of bemoaning how i have been so frequently, looking back on my blog I just feel so depressed. so needless to say its time for a change. This week I have been getting off my lazy ass and being more active, and just trying to have a happy attitude even if at many times its been forced. I have increased how much I go running and that helps my body produce endorphins, and endorphins make you happy, and happy people dont kill there husbands..." (who out there can name that movie?)
I know that I have been very woe is me, and reading the blogs of many of my gay BYU friends, I see that many of them are too. so I have resolved to make a change of how I react to life.
I may be single right now, but that will in time change to so I better make the best of it for right now. Im sick of all the BYU gay's who are just way to sexually frustrated and looking to get their rocks off. Im not that kind of guy, and Im damn proud of it. If by some miracle I find a guy who's not shallow as hell, and I find interesting and a decent person while im here, then who knows, and I might consider dating around here in Provo again. but thats not today. I know this doesnt apply to all of the BYU gay men I know. But it applys to most of them. anyone who tells themselves otherwise are just deluding themselves.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

when paths cross

lately I have been thinking alot about how I have handled my life since comeing to realize myself as a gay man. I realize that though I am looking for my other half, I cannot fall for just anyone and hope we are compatible.
up until now, I have never thought of myself as a person, with a "Type" and have been able to accept anyone for who they are, even though at a late point it seems to be me who ends up getting hurt. I realize that the face that I like guys and not girls is huge; however having a penis is not reason enough to date.
Recently I seem to have been the one who was always conceding anything in a relationship, willing to put the other before myself. and letting them be who they are, no matter how bad it makes me feel. I guess I do need to think about happiness for myself, not just for the person I have been going out with.
while I have not been dating anyone or meeting new people, I have been thinking alot about this. so now I guess I will take the good things where I may, and hope that the special guy who I have been looking for will cross paths in the near future. but for now, I can find happiness in the friends I have, and not feel so hurt about the whole situation

Monday, January 4, 2010

it has been quite some time since my last blog entry. I could give many excuses for this such as finals. over watchful parents and many other such things but the fact is I have been forgetful and did not have my blog at the foremost of my mind. the experiences of this month however have been very informative to myself in the effort of accustoming myself to the idea of coming out to my parents and sibling. though several leading questions to the members of my family I had several in depth discussions on the topic, none of which im sure were comfortable to any of the party's involved due to the face that the topic of homosexuality or gay culture in itself is such a taboo topic more than just about any other when it comes to disillusions with over zealous Mormon family's.
first I was able to talk with my sister on a return trip from salt lake about one of her friends who she thinks is "not straight" after quite a long discussion I made the point that; even if he is gay, he is still the same person and nothing has changed, and if that she was really his friend then it shouldn't mater to her... she became quiet for quite a wile and then whispered I guess your right. but the way she said it grudgingly and didnt seem to believe what she was saying herself.
I also had a intense discussion with my father about it ( who I am convinced is going to be the biggest issue for me when I decide to come out/ if I decide to come out. he argued like the typical angry Mormon whos been indoctrinated from early in his life, and I argued for equal rights. my father knows Im not a republican but he still has issue with me not just taking whatever he says, and swallowing it down.
no matter how blunt I am I think that my family will just not choose to accept or think that its true till I come out and say it. but I will write more often now I can get some time to myself to write now.