learning to be lonely

this week like every week is hard to live a double life. when feeling like your life is only happy when you are honest about who you are, and having friends who like you for being that person; it feels like entering hell to have to go back to a life that you don't want.
thats how it is to feel trapped in BYU for me right now. I went to a party at a friends place over the weekend and met many people, talked , and just all in all enjoyed myself. I met many gay couples some of graduated from byu themselves years ago. they were happy and content and very much in love. from that point on. I thought back on the people I have dated since coming to terms with being gay.
I think I get attached to easily to people, one of the guys I went out with a few times was also at the party. I had really liked him alot but he was an enigma to most people and me included in that. after we had gone out about three times, I quit hearing from him. and I thought I was over him because that was around 9 months ago that we went out and seeing him again brought up so many memories ad feeling that I thought I had forgotten. I only felt lonely.
just because Im gay, alot of people think that makes me the stereo typical gay man. I would like to think that im not. because from the get go I have only been looking for someone who I could spend my life with. I still want the American dream, a home, and the one I love to come home to; just a guy instead of a girl, I dont think that is to much to ask. but most people I meet are not looking for that sort of thing, and I only end up hurting myself in the end. this week has been hard for me, and I know im not the only one out there like this. who wants something like this, I just feel alone and lonely, especially since finals are upon me.
I write alot when I blog, but thats jsut because I never know what to say or what to do about it. anyone out there is welcome to give me advice cuz god ( pardont the expression) know I have none for myself

hope

now on to what I hope for for this blog, I hope it to be an accurate explanation of my experiences I have had are having and will have here at BYU. These accounts are not meant to garner sympathy from anybody, my hope is that anyone who is in a similar situation will be able to read it and gain some insight good or bad. be able to ask questions or for what ever reason. so I encourage those at BYU or people who feel in a similar situation to feel free to write in and comment.