this week like every week is hard to live a double life. when feeling like your life is only happy when you are honest about who you are, and having friends who like you for being that person; it feels like entering hell to have to go back to a life that you don't want.
thats how it is to feel trapped in BYU for me right now. I went to a party at a friends place over the weekend and met many people, talked , and just all in all enjoyed myself. I met many gay couples some of graduated from byu themselves years ago. they were happy and content and very much in love. from that point on. I thought back on the people I have dated since coming to terms with being gay.
I think I get attached to easily to people, one of the guys I went out with a few times was also at the party. I had really liked him alot but he was an enigma to most people and me included in that. after we had gone out about three times, I quit hearing from him. and I thought I was over him because that was around 9 months ago that we went out and seeing him again brought up so many memories ad feeling that I thought I had forgotten. I only felt lonely.
just because Im gay, alot of people think that makes me the stereo typical gay man. I would like to think that im not. because from the get go I have only been looking for someone who I could spend my life with. I still want the American dream, a home, and the one I love to come home to; just a guy instead of a girl, I dont think that is to much to ask. but most people I meet are not looking for that sort of thing, and I only end up hurting myself in the end. this week has been hard for me, and I know im not the only one out there like this. who wants something like this, I just feel alone and lonely, especially since finals are upon me.
I write alot when I blog, but thats jsut because I never know what to say or what to do about it. anyone out there is welcome to give me advice cuz god ( pardont the expression) know I have none for myself
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
hope
now on to what I hope for for this blog, I hope it to be an accurate explanation of my experiences I have had are having and will have here at BYU. These accounts are not meant to garner sympathy from anybody, my hope is that anyone who is in a similar situation will be able to read it and gain some insight good or bad. be able to ask questions or for what ever reason. so I encourage those at BYU or people who feel in a similar situation to feel free to write in and comment.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
A Begining
Well, I suppose there must be a beginning to everything this is one of those thing that must start somewhere.
well then I will start by telling you about myself. my name is not really Xander, but because of the situation of being at byu, I feel its important that I not use my real name. I was born in the 5th month in the year 1985. for those of you who cant count that makes me 24; I was born to be the boy in a classic American family, mother and father, brother and sister. my parents we very faithful members of the church and taught us its teachings and doctrine since before either of us can remember. we did things right and wrong but we were a happy family as far as I was aware. just like everyone else in the Utah town that I grew up in.
I knew I wasn't exactly like everyone else from a young age, but I didn't really think a lot about it. I knew that I was never very fussed about women as a young boy, I just thought I was more mature than the other boys. I became good friends with many girls in the early school years, but i never thought there was anything wrong with that attitude, it wasnt till I started hitting puberty that I noticed other guys my age, the athletic ones, the ones I thought had nice eyes or a cute smile, that I began to think that there was something different about myself. going into the locker room was a struggle in itself to stop myself from watching all the guys around me getting dressed or walking around without anything on.
by the time I left high school I knew what was going on with me, but I thought that if I denied it of myself that then I could overcome it. I served a mission, and did so faithfully putting every effort into my prayers, and focusing all of my mind on the mission but things never seemed to get better for me... after coming home I knew that this was something no amount of prayer would change or any act of a divine god, who at this point in my life I was struggling with religion also.
from a young age I never liked going to church (not uncommon) but not for the classic reasons that others didn't like going. On the contrary I was desperate to understand the divine or at lease come to believe it with a conviction of my own. with me and the LDS faith though, that was never the case. I would do as the other did because it made my family happy. it was never for myself. I went on a mission not only desperate to become heterosexual, but also because it was unacceptable not to go where I grew up. by the time I came back (im not going into all the details of this for obvious reasons). I knew that things could not stay the way they were, but I kept going to keep the people around me happy and to please my family.
I graduate with my associates disagree in earth science from UVU and I transfer to BYU...why you ask? to keep my family happy and because it was expected of me. after going though a significant amount of time at BYU, during the summer I realized that I want happy. My life was not bad, but I knew that something was wrong and that I needed to decide somethings. 1. about religion, 2. about myself, 3. the question of a life time. am I gay and should I accept that as part of my life.
well your reading my blog so I bet you can guess as to what happened
over the course of 3 days that I kept to myself and just started thinking and evaluating my choices and what would happen if I decided what... I came to the conclusions that I hold true to be me.
the first is that I am a very religious person, I believe in god with all my heart. However. I don't believe in organized religion; I believe that they teach philosophy's that are good, and many practices that are safe. but they are still organizations looking to continue themselves. Nor do I believe it is for someone else to tell you what to believe about god.
next I believe that while its still important to be a good person, to hold to a way of life to keep people around you happy and content is treason to yourself so I live a way that I hold to be right. If I am to love people, or have people love me , it shall be for who I truly am.
finally I know I am gay and because I have come to terms with my religious beliefs I can allow myself to be gay. for one thing, I believe that god who or whatever that may be, is perfect and loving and could never make mistakes. that in mind I believe that I am exactly the way that god would want me to be, and doesn't expect me to suffer in this life though being untrue to who I am.
so here I am at BYU a gay man, who's no longer lds in his heart, but has to keep up pretenses to finish school, while trying to find love.
my life has many turns to take, but till that road takes me away from byu I am me just myself. happy about that for the first time in years. in the following days will come to my story, but this for now , is just who I am.
well then I will start by telling you about myself. my name is not really Xander, but because of the situation of being at byu, I feel its important that I not use my real name. I was born in the 5th month in the year 1985. for those of you who cant count that makes me 24; I was born to be the boy in a classic American family, mother and father, brother and sister. my parents we very faithful members of the church and taught us its teachings and doctrine since before either of us can remember. we did things right and wrong but we were a happy family as far as I was aware. just like everyone else in the Utah town that I grew up in.
I knew I wasn't exactly like everyone else from a young age, but I didn't really think a lot about it. I knew that I was never very fussed about women as a young boy, I just thought I was more mature than the other boys. I became good friends with many girls in the early school years, but i never thought there was anything wrong with that attitude, it wasnt till I started hitting puberty that I noticed other guys my age, the athletic ones, the ones I thought had nice eyes or a cute smile, that I began to think that there was something different about myself. going into the locker room was a struggle in itself to stop myself from watching all the guys around me getting dressed or walking around without anything on.
by the time I left high school I knew what was going on with me, but I thought that if I denied it of myself that then I could overcome it. I served a mission, and did so faithfully putting every effort into my prayers, and focusing all of my mind on the mission but things never seemed to get better for me... after coming home I knew that this was something no amount of prayer would change or any act of a divine god, who at this point in my life I was struggling with religion also.
from a young age I never liked going to church (not uncommon) but not for the classic reasons that others didn't like going. On the contrary I was desperate to understand the divine or at lease come to believe it with a conviction of my own. with me and the LDS faith though, that was never the case. I would do as the other did because it made my family happy. it was never for myself. I went on a mission not only desperate to become heterosexual, but also because it was unacceptable not to go where I grew up. by the time I came back (im not going into all the details of this for obvious reasons). I knew that things could not stay the way they were, but I kept going to keep the people around me happy and to please my family.
I graduate with my associates disagree in earth science from UVU and I transfer to BYU...why you ask? to keep my family happy and because it was expected of me. after going though a significant amount of time at BYU, during the summer I realized that I want happy. My life was not bad, but I knew that something was wrong and that I needed to decide somethings. 1. about religion, 2. about myself, 3. the question of a life time. am I gay and should I accept that as part of my life.
well your reading my blog so I bet you can guess as to what happened
over the course of 3 days that I kept to myself and just started thinking and evaluating my choices and what would happen if I decided what... I came to the conclusions that I hold true to be me.
the first is that I am a very religious person, I believe in god with all my heart. However. I don't believe in organized religion; I believe that they teach philosophy's that are good, and many practices that are safe. but they are still organizations looking to continue themselves. Nor do I believe it is for someone else to tell you what to believe about god.
next I believe that while its still important to be a good person, to hold to a way of life to keep people around you happy and content is treason to yourself so I live a way that I hold to be right. If I am to love people, or have people love me , it shall be for who I truly am.
finally I know I am gay and because I have come to terms with my religious beliefs I can allow myself to be gay. for one thing, I believe that god who or whatever that may be, is perfect and loving and could never make mistakes. that in mind I believe that I am exactly the way that god would want me to be, and doesn't expect me to suffer in this life though being untrue to who I am.
so here I am at BYU a gay man, who's no longer lds in his heart, but has to keep up pretenses to finish school, while trying to find love.
my life has many turns to take, but till that road takes me away from byu I am me just myself. happy about that for the first time in years. in the following days will come to my story, but this for now , is just who I am.
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