An ending and a return

well I dont mind saying that I have made a complete mess of the whole point of this blog. when I began to write in here, it was meant to be a catalog of my experience while in school, I need hardly point out that I have failed dismally. to those amazing people out there who read what I write on here I will only say "thank you, you have my sympathy"
since last I wrote quite a few events happed to me, I found and dated an amazing guy and we had a very caring relationship full of love for each other and not driven by the need for physical fulfillment, but by a need to be with the other and hold them close. unfortunately after nearly half a year, we decided, that even though we had a very deep love for each other, we weren't right for each other, and we went thought a very teary breakup consoling each other and driven by the sloe hope that the other could find the happiness in life we felt they deserved, but probably couldn't find with each other. I dont claim that he was without flaws, he wasn't. Nither am I for that matter. I wouldn't want someone who was perfect alone, I was searching for somone who would be perfect when we were together. I came very close, but alas, it wasnt to be.
so now I return here, back to where I began, better for having been gone, but feeling the loss none the less. now my search resumes to find the one who I can share my life with, while going though the BYU life that is shortly to come to an end.

since last I was here, I have since found employment, finished a large amount of school and am withing sight of the graduation light at the end of this dark semester. though my Provo education come to an end, I will continue forward with my blog, perhaps renamed, we shall see.

the thoughts I wanted to put down on this blog, are mainly about how truly painful it is to be someone you genuinely loved and still do, but knowing fully well that it isn't the right fit. its depressing, sad, and lonely. I find myself thinking "I wonder what he is doing now" all the time, which I know isn't good for me at this time to dwell on. I should think about the end of school and the future I have before me, but when gazing forward, its impossible not to remember how you got there, and remember the joys and the pains. maybe this separation is not to last, but I promise I will continue to write.

its lonely to be where I am now, I feel in a really dark place, and I often wonder, do I have the wherewithal to recover from this. how do you fix a heart shattered, that doesn't know if it wants to be restored